Cheaters and Plumbers

Two-Timing Cat

How would you react if your cat; the one you feed, provide shelter for, give scritchies to, serve catnip and spoil with everything a feline would want, comes home after a night out and it’s covered in lipstick marks from another human?

Bamboozled? Outraged? Jealous? Filled with thoughts of retribution against the person, your pet or both?

That’s what a Brazilian cat owner named, Arivane, had to deal with when her pet, Cotton Candy wandered home with a bountiful collection of lipstick prints all over its white fur.

Arivane put on a brave front when speaking with Newsweek.

“He is really very sweet and loving. He usually sleeps in our bed every day. But we were very surprised by the new relationship, especially with the amount of kisses he received from his beloved.”

‘Surprised’ seems to be an understated way of explaining the betrayal of your cat to another person. Brazilians are known for being very passionate when it comes to assuntos do coração (affairs of the heart), so it would seem that Arivane was masking her outrage at what Cotton Candy was up to. Maybe she had plans for her pet that would land her in hot water with the authorities.

Responses by other cat owners to Arivane’s posting on Redddit didn’t hold back on how they felt by their pet’s two-timing shenanigans.

“My heart was broken when my neighbor told me that our cat comes around to sleep in their guest bedroom sometimes,” NoMoassNeverWas wrote.

“My cat used to come home looking like she was covered in makeup… Blue eye shadow, blush… Turned out and was rolling on people’s pastel drawings as I lived next to an art institute,” SpookyWah penned, not wanting to deal with the reality that her cat was cheating with an artist and not rolling around in art supplies.

The cat’s liaison is reminiscent of the love affair between Pablo Picasso and Marie-Thérèse Walter. You think old Pablo dived into surrealism on his own? No, it was Marie-Thérèse’s lipstick all over Picasso’s canvas that did that.

Then there is the admission by a person who is a swinger and into cat swapping along with his neighbor.

“It’s actually funny. My cat sleeps at the neighbor’s house. And their cat sleeps at my house. Sometimes it will be the opposite how it should be. Maybe one day both cats will be at my house then the next both will be at his. Every day is a different day and we have no clue what to expect,” confessed JacobDziki who along with his neighbor are clearly over-sexed degenerates. Of course, that doesn’t excuse the cats’ behavior as they should know better as well.

Back to Arivane and Cotton Candy. The Chester Chronicles has learned the cat’s owner has hired a private investigator to check on Candy’s peccadillos and locate his paramour.

Sources tell TCC that Arivane could be heard yelling at Cotton Candy, “you’ve got some ‘splaining to do, cat,” and “Bang, zoom, to the moon, cheater!”

In the meantime, Arivand and Cotton Candy have started relationship counseling to try and repair the damage done by the cat’s frolicking.

Plumb Cat Crazy

Ever call a plumber only to see you could have done a better job? You should have called a cat instead.

TikTok user @sushi_the_siamese shared a clip of a plumber trying to fix a problem under the kitchen sink, only to be wacked in the head by Sushi. It appears the cat realized the plumber wasn’t doing the job correctly so he had to instruct him on the proper procedure.

@sushi_the_siamese

I swear he’s the most nosy cat on this earth he’s in everyone’s business…. #catsoftiktok #funnypets #crosseyedcat #catlovers

♬ Sneaky Friends – Eitan Epstein Music

The unidentified plumber never looked up at the swatting cat because he knew the cat had a better understanding of the dilemma than he did. The man just kept his head down and did what the cat told him to do.

@sushi_the_siamese

The rest of the video I didn’t post in part 1 😂😂 thank you all for watching !!! #catsoftiktok #funnypets #catlovers #crosseyedcat #cattreats

♬ original sound – sushi_the_siameseee

The sad part for @sushi_the_siamese is that the plumber was getting $100 per hour while the cat would have done the work for a bowl of kibble and a new FURminator. At least Sushi saved the owner a few hundred in getting the job done quicker.

“Cats learn by observation, imitation, trial and error just as humans do,” according to a story in Cats International.

“The cat’s intellectual ability is highlighted by its ability to use the information retained to solve problems. Cats are able to form “learning sets,” a skill once thought to be confined to primates,” the Cats International story went on to say.

In some cases, cats are better at problem solving because of their superior comprehension skills when reading manuals or watching how-to YouTube videos according to observations done by The Chester Chronicles.

That’s how our cat Chester succeeded in crypto which The Chester Chronicles previously covered and now is becoming an expert in plumbing.

We’ve had several plumbing issues recently where we had Chester fix the problems and save us a boatload of money while providing quality service. If he had his own business, I’d do a favorable Yelp review.

I showed our Thomas Crapper of a cat the video of Sushi to get his reaction.

“Unbelievable,” Chester said sadly as he smacked his paw against his head in dismay. You humans are either too proud or too stupid to listen to us cats. I’m guessing the latter.”

“What would you have done if you were Sushi,” I asked.

“First, I wouldn’t tap that guy in the head with my paw. I’d hit him on the head with a monkey wrench to get his attention. After he came to, I’d tell him how to rectify the situation. Second, if he couldn’t follow directions, I’d introduce him to a few iron pipes to correct his plumbing proficiency. Finally, if all else fails, I would do it myself but I’d rather not get my paws dirty.”

“So, what’s this guy doing wrong,” I asked, seeking the knowledge from the Oracle of Plumbing.

“Pretty easy job,” Chester said matter-of-factly. “Grab some plumber’s putty, unscrew the sink drain, remove the old putty, re-seal with fresh putty, screw everything back and voilà. It’s so simple, a kitten could do it.”

“And if you’re not around, who should I call for plumbing issues,” I asked with pen and paper in hand.

“Try Cats Plumbing Services in Houston, C.A.T. Concepts Septic & Plumbing out of Miami or Black Cat Plumbing in Portland, Oregon. I know they’re not close to Connecticut, but if you don’t want stupid people messing up your home, you’ve got to get the best and that means hiring cats,” our tempestuous tabby lectured me.

“What about a dog plumber,” I innocently asked.

Then Chester turned a molten red, a color I hadn’t seen in a cat before.

“Are you out of your mind,” he yelled in disbelief. “A dog wouldn’t know his ass from his elbow joint pipe. Unless you have great flood insurance, I wouldn’t let a dog plumber in my house, even if it lived there.”

“I guess you’re down on dogs doing most things.” I said. “What about hunting dogs? They’re good at that aren’t they?”

“Cats are hunters,” Chester said with a malevolent tone. “We cats kill billions of animals every year. You know what dogs do? They just sit on their tails until their human hunter owners tell them to ‘go fetch’ what they shoot. The only thing those mutts are good for are herding sheep and pulling sleds in Alaska.

“Did a pipe drop on your head, genius?”

“Could dogs herd cats?”

“Trick question,” Chester said. “No person or animal can herd cats. Why do you think the phrase ‘like herding cats’ represents something that’s impossible?

“You know what isn’t impossible? Getting my dinner.”

“I would, but I need to add water to your bowl and we have an issue with the sink,” I informed Chester. “If you can fix it, I’ll get you dinner. “

“Madone! Do I have to do all the work around here for you idiots,” Chester exclaimed.

“When it comes to plumbing problems, yes,” I said. “And we have a dripping outdoor faucet in the back I’d like you to check out as well.”

“I’m tired,” Chester yawned. “Besides, my collective bargaining agreement with Local 286 of the American Cat Plumbing Union says I can only work on one project a week, so go get yourself another cat or do it yourself.”

“How about for a triple bowl of dinner,” I countered.

“I’ll consider that Golden Time and I’ll agree to that,” my George Meany of a cat said. “But we’re out of putty to fix the sink, so why don’t you fill up a bowl of kibble while you buy some of that stuff plus a pipe threader just in case. Meanwhile, I’ll chow down.”

With that I did as instructed and after giving Chester his downpayment of food, I headed out looking for plumbing supplies.

It’s good to have a cat around the house.