Catnapping
Has the following happened to you?
You’re at home waiting anxiously for your Amazon package to arrive. Then you receive an alert on your phone that includes a photo showing you it has indeed landed.
In a minute you open your front door, look down, and……….
It’s there.
Except your cat, who you just saw sitting on that same porch, isn’t.
That’s strange.
Usually, in these situations, it’s the package that’s missing thanks to porch pirates. Those evil trolls who snatch up boxes from unsuspecting citizens.
We know an Amazon package doesn’t have legs, so when it’s supposed to be on your stoop but isn’t, you can safely guess you are the victim of theft.
On the other hand, cats do have legs. So, when your furball isn’t on the porch where you left it, you should be able to safely assume there was something more interesting for it to do than sit staring at the street.
You should never assume.
Alarm bells start to go off in your head when your feline friend doesn’t come home after a certain period of time. That occasion almost always coincides with mealtime.
If you’re a cat owner, you know that your pet has an internal timing device on par with an atomic clock when it comes to food. Accurate to a zeptosecond. Or, for you non-geeks, a trillionth of a billionth of a second.
Classified U.S. military documents obtained by The Chester Chronicles reveal that the timing mechanisms in cats were used to calibrate our Global Positioning System (GPS).
When you successfully travel to a distant relative’s house, located in the middle of nowhere, don’t thank your GPS device. Instead, thank your cat for getting you there safely.
So what happened to your cat?
Not all pet owners have doorbell cameras, but some homes that do have uncovered the mystery.
It was the Amazon delivery person.
Talk about a role reversal!
There have been several alleged incidents of Amazon drivers absconding with people’s cats. Recently, two videos confirmed catnappings by Amazon employees caught on camera, and neither was named Alexa.
The first took place in Lakewood, California, just outside Los Angeles.
Diane Duff-Medina’s cat Piper was taken away by a driver following a delivery.
Catnapping caught on camera. Courtesy: @dailymail/TikTok & Diane Duff-Medina.
“I thought he was just petting her for a second, but yeah… I had to rewatch it a couple of times because it is hard to see, it’s dark, and he doesn’t carry her very nicely. I see her little tail, and I was like, ‘Oh my God.’ I couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” Huff-Medina told KABC-TV.
Amazon told the station that the driver was working as part of the Amazon Flex program and was not directly employed by them. That unidentified driver can no longer deliver for Amazon and they have contacted the police for their investigation.
Sorry Amazon. If the driver was working on your behalf, he’s your driver.
Unfortunately for Duff-Medina, Piper is still MIA.
A similar incident in Elland, England, had a better ending.
The Crowther family recently had their cat, Nora, whisked away by an Amazon driver in broad daylight.
“We were devastated when we saw the driver lingering about waiting to seize his opportunity. It was total shock and disbelief when he picked her up and shoved her into his car,” Carl Crowther, told YorkshireLive.
Fortunately, Nora was found and back home safely.
Amazon drivers should not be confused with the few milkmen left who still ply their trade.
Milkmen deliver bottles of milk to your house and take away the empties. Amazon drivers are just supposed to drop off packages, not walk away with your cat.
Our pet Chester is a house cat. If he’s sitting on top of the sofa by the window, he runs away the moment any deliveryman comes close to our door.
We don’t worry about anyone stealing him, unless they break into the house. Then we have a bigger issue.
“It’s a classic bait-and-switch scam,” Chester said while lying prone in front of the TV, watching another episode of Cops.
“Clearly, Amazon is part of a global catnapping world syndicate,” Chester continued.
Cats get excited, too, when the deliveryman drops off their order. This box contained a couple of keys of catnip, which explains this cat’s behavior. Courtesy: CCTV Animal Files/YouTube.
“Really? I hadn’t heard that,” I said.
“Of course they are. What a racket they have going. You order something you don’t need and they show up on the pretense of giving you that something, but in reality, all they want to do is steal your cat.”
“You believe that?” I asked.
“Absolutely!” Chester exclaimed. “Think about it. No matter what they drop off at your house, it can’t compare in value to a cute, cuddly kitty.”
“And?”
“And then they take all of these cats to a giant warehouse at a secret location where they make their real money in selling them to people who’ll pay top dollar for the most amazing creature ever made,” Chester said, sounding a lot like Alex Jones.
“Who would fork over good money for a cat that they could get at any local animal shelter for a couple of bucks?” I asked.
“Do I have to spell everything out for you, moron?” Chester fumed.
“A previously owned cat is a gold mine for Amazon. No different than used sports memorabilia.
“I was on the internet the other day and saw that someone named Sotheby was selling a used Tom Brady football jersey for $300,000!
“If you can get that type of cash for a dirty piece of laundry, think of the fortune you can get from selling a formerly owned cat.”
“Fascinating,” I said in mock astonishment.
“How do you think that Jeff Bezos guy can afford several mansions, a fleet of jets, a super yacht that comes with a tender, plus Lauren Sánchez?”
“You make a compelling argument,” I said to Chester, hoping our talk would end.
“And you know what’s worse? I bet you that Elon Musk is doing the same thing, except he’s hijacking cats and holding them captive in outer space!”
“Outer space?”
“What do you think SpaceX is? They use launching Starlink satellites as a cover. In reality, it’s for hiding cats at a mysterious space station. I’ve heard they call it Planet 9.
“How much catnip have you had today?” I inquired.
“None. Yet.”
“Are we done with this discussion, Chester?”
“No.
“There’s another rich dude out there, too. Mark Zuckerberg is his name. He has his own method of cashing in on cats.”
“How so?”
“You know why he started Facebook?”
“Social networking.”
“No, idiot. He founded Facebook as a way to create Facebook Marketplace.”
“Okay. What’s wrong with that?” I naively asked.
“Wrong! Do you know what Marketplace is for? They say, ‘buy and sell new and used items easily.
“Used is a cover word for selling used cats. You know, the ones stolen from homes.
“The more I talk about this, the more I believe I’ve uncovered an international cabal of cat thieves.”
Anytime someone uses the word cabal, it gets my attention.
“Explain how this cabal works, Chester.”
“Bezos, Musk and Zuckerberg are working together stealing and selling cats,” Chester stammered.
“First, unsuspecting cat owners order stuff on Amazon. That gives these criminals an excuse to show up at your house. The Amazon drivers then take the cats and drive them to that super secret warehouse.
“Second, since the police will be out looking for the cats, these diabolical geniuses then move the cats from the warehouse and put them on one of the SpaceX rockets to the space station. No police department can reach them there.
“Finally, they place ads on Facebook Marketplace. Once they have buyers, they bring the cats back down. That’s why Musk worked so hard on reusable space ships. It’s foolproof!
“These guys are splitting those unimaginable profits.”
“Amazing,” I said. It actually made sense.
“Come on. There’s no way you can be that rich unless you’re selling cats!” Chester yelled.
“So, are you going to call law enforcement about this, Chester?”
“No way,” Chester responded meekly.
“Why not?”
“Because those tech bros hear and see everything. Have you ever looked up something on your phone and the next thing you know, you get inundated with ads for that product?
“And what about Alexa or Siri? You’ve invited a spy into your home.
“I’m not messing with those guys, I don’t want to be catnapped,” a now quivering Chester said.
“Don’t worry, Chester. We won’t let anyone catnap you,” I said.
Just then, an Amazon deliveryman came to the door and dropped off a package. With that, Chester ran upstairs and under a bed.
Tonight, dinner for Chester will be served bedside, and I guess I won’t be ordering anything else from Amazon for quite some time.
The Chester Chronicles 
That theory makes some sense. Especially the part about Elon Musk storing them in space. He has some strange habits.
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