I’ll Sleep to That

Subliminal Messages

Have you ever woken up to find several thousand dollars’ worth of cat items delivered to your front door from Amazon? If so, there’s a good chance you sleep with your feline.

Owning a cat reduces your chance of getting a heart attack by 40 percent compared to those who never owned a cat, according to a 2008 study by researchers at the University of Minnesota’s Zeenat Qureshi Stroke Research Center.

But what about having your cat sleep in bed with you?

“There can be significant psychological comfort in having your pet close by, which can help both initiate and maintain sleep,” Dr. Bhanu Prakash Kolla, a sleep medicine specialist in the Center for Sleep Medicine at the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota, told CNN in 2021.

Then again, not.

There’s an excellent chance that while you’re sleeping, Whiskers will take a stroll around your bed and on top of you too. That’s known as “sleep fragmentation,” and it’s not good.

“They (microawakenings) have been associated with the release of the stress hormone, cortisol, which can make sleep even worse,” Kristen Knutson, an associate professor of neurology and preventive medicine at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine, told CNN.

If your cat is cutting down on your sleep, the positives it may provide on reducing heart attacks could be canceled out.

“Adults who sleep less than 7 hours each night are more likely to say they have had health problems, including heart attack, asthma, and depression,” the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention asserts. “Some of these health problems raise the risk for heart disease, heart attack, and stroke.”

But there’s more to it than that.

The Chester Chronicles‘ own research has discovered that cats also whisper subliminal messages into their owner’s ears while they sleep, with dire consequences.

“I’ve asked my human to buy me several cases of my favorite cat food and a recurring supply of fresh catnip,” one feline who didn’t want to be identified told this publication. “You should see the look on her face when the delivery guys drop off a pallets of goodies for me.”

Another cat concurred.

“I got my owner to call in my request while he was half asleep,” a Maine Coon howled. “The best part is when my owner calls up the store my provisions came from, he says he never ordered it. He pleads he’s never bought anything from there. True, but when the store repeated his credit card number and address, he looked like he’d seen a ghost.

“So, he calls the credit card company to say someone must have stolen his account number and he challenges the transaction and asks for a new card. I didn’t care because I tore into my booty immediately so he couldn’t return it.

“Next week I think I’ll whisper I want a vacation to Bermuda. First class of course.”

Fortunately for us, we keep our cat Chester locked in the basement at night. As previously noted, this isn’t because of his trying to get some subliminal messages into our heads, but because he keeps us up by meowing all the time.

Still, I wondered if he would pull such a stunt.

I found Chester sitting in the living room while perusing the book, Hidden Persuasion: 33 Psychological Influences Techniques in Advertising, by Marc Andrews. He was chuckling at what he was reading. A sinister laugh at that.

I asked our pet if he would love the chance to slip a subliminal thought into one of our brains.

“No need to,” Chester beamed. “I love being alone in the basement while you’re all sleeping.”

“Why is that,” I suspiciously asked.

“Because that’s where your PC is,” he said. “I get everything I want from the internet.”

“I haven’t seen any extra charges on our credit cards,” I replied.

“No need to use your credit cards,” Chester said proudly. “I’m on the dark web all the time. If I need a credit card account, bingo! If I just want to break into a business’s computer system to order stuff, I get all the hacks I need from my fellow syndicate friends.”

“And the police will trace your fun back to us,” I said.

“No worries big guy,” Chester said confidently. The IP address is anonymous. You notice that Tor browser shortcut on the desktop?

“I was wondering why it popped up,” I said bewilderedly. “Still, this can’t be foolproof?”

“True,” Chester agreed. “But unless the CIA is interested in a minor kibble transaction, I wouldn’t worry if I were you.”

The next afternoon after a long hard day of yard work, I took a nap on the couch. When I awoke, I had this weird feeling of needing to buy women’s clothes.

I did a little searching and settled on a Zimmermann ruffled laser-cut floral-print gown on The Outnet site. For some reason the $1,620 price tag didn’t bother me.

“I dropped some subliminal messaging on you to dress like a woman,” Chester said smugly. “I thought you’d just go upstairs and try something on from the misses. I wasn’t expecting you to drop some big coin on an outfit.”

“Oh.” I said red-faced. “Anyway, how do I look?”

“Not great,” Chester said discouraged. “You forgot to order pumps.”

“You’re right,” I said dejectedly. “Big mistake on my part.”

“I wouldn’t wear that down south, they’re trying to outlaw drag,” Chester warned.

“I appreciate your concern,” I said.

Just then my cell phone rang. It was Genifer.

“Stay downstairs tonight,” she gasped. “We can talk this over tomorrow.”

“Ok,” I said meekly.

Then I got an idea.

I went back to The Outnet site. This time I had Chester with me and together we ordered a fine Alberta Ferretti ruffled printed silk-chiffon midi dress for Genifer.

And this time I didn’t forget the pumps.