The Cat Nanny Diaries

A Nanny is a Cat’s Best Friend

Australia, like the United States, is going through an affordable housing crisis in and around its major cities. But for one lucky person, they now have a paid gig living in one of Sydney’s most exclusive suburbs rent-free. All they have to do is sell their soul by taking care of their client’s cat, 24/7.

In May, a position was advertised by an unnamed family who lives in Double Bay, a ritzy community of 4,462, just a couple of miles from Sydney’s central business district. They have been looking for a cat nanny to take care of their precious feline. The help wanted ad made it clear how the family viewed their pet.

“This position will require someone who is available to live-in full-time and stay home to look after the most beloved, gorgeous cat in Australia.”

The enticement to watch over the god cat was simple, a room in one of the best areas around Sydney.

“You will be provided your own room and all facilities within a wonderful and beautiful house. This position would suit a single person only that does not have their own pet given it is a live-in position.”

And remember, your sole reason for getting the job is a total commitment to his/her furriness.

“Don’t miss this once in a lifetime opportunity to look after one pet full time and only focus on the care and love of one cat.” 

Now you know why you can’t bring your own cat into the home. How could you possibly love two or more cats? What could be worse than your new employer being told by Fluffy that you’re not truly committed to it? Polygamy is not permitted in a proper Australian home.

What are the high standards required to fill this position?

“Please only apply if you have experience with cats, or we will not consider your application,” the solicitation states. You also need “a passion for cats and a deep understanding of their needs”

Well sign me up since I have to deal with our do-nothing cat, Chester. I think I can handle; kibble, water, litter box and watch the furball sleep.

But wait, what if kibble is just peasant food for this high-brow spoiled cat? Do you also need a cooking background that includes a James Beard Award?

“Bonne journée mon chat. Today your choices for lunch are pan seared Bluefish Provençal, Bar au Beurre Blanc or Bonito & Cured Murray Cod Fat. My I also be so bold as to recommend either the Grüner Veltliner or Gewürztraminer in your water bowl.”

And still, there’s more than just having experience with cats or cooking for them. You also have to undergo a valid working with children check, first aid training and a police background check. There was no indication if the first aid requirement was for the possible use on humans or the cat.

It’s not like you’re undergoing a psychological screening test to determine if you can serve on a submarine or being locked up in solitary confinement at a supermax; still being isolated from the rest of the world with only a capricious cat as company can push anyone’s sanity to the edge.

What might tip you over to the dark side is if this cat handles your job performance reviews.

Cat: I wasn’t pleased with the way you brushed me. I specifically said to work along the lie of my beautiful silky fur moving from my cherished cranium to my treasured tail. You also didn’t use the FURminator but some knockoff piece of garbage.

Nanny: I’m very sorry, but I thought the Hertzko long blade de-matting comb was more appropriate for your knots you got while rolling around like a lunatic watching the Swans play Fremantle.

Cat: Ok, I’ll give you that one. But you taking me to Fairfax & Roberts in an Uber instead of a Rolls Royce limo is unacceptable. It’s embarrassing to get out of that cheap car and enter the premier jeweler for my new diamond encrusted collar. People and cats talk. I have a reputation, you know. I’d rather walk than do that again.

Nanny: Understood, your majesty. Now can I get 5 minutes to go to the loo? I’ve been working nonstop for the past 10 hours.

Cat: Yes, but make sure to wash your hands and use that honeysuckle air freshener I like after you’re done. Then you can have a cookie. Later I’ll expect you to paint my claws the color of the mood I’ll be in. Stand by for that announcement. If you’re lucky, it won’t be blood red.

Other things you’ll need to know when dealing with this pampered pussy:

Pour his specialty water on his right using your dominate hand with the label facing so your new boss can gloat over the vintage. Spilling even a drop is considered gauche. Also don’t rest the bottle on the rim of Frisky’s crystal water bowl.

As for the food, always serve from the right side and don’t leave your slimy fingerprints on his plate. Pay attention to when he’s finished each course to promptly remove the dirty plate/bowl for the next. If the contumelious cat has guest over, make sure to serve all of them at the same time. Since you only have two arms, you should sub-contract an octopus from Sydney Harbour to assist but check for references first.

Like most cats, this arrogant animal doesn’t think its s**t stinks. Of course, you know better and you’re the hired help to clean up his messes. Despite his family coughing up big money for a Litter-Robot 4, WiFi-enambled, automatic, “self-cleaning” litter box, you still have to do a deep dive to make sure it stays self-cleaning. This is especially so because this badass high-tech litter box can handle four cats at once. Nothing like a meow manure party while the humans are out of the house. Can you imagine what fun Caligula would have had with one of these gizmos?

You better be in great shape too. If you think this cat is going to run across the room when you toss the toy mouse, you’re living in a fantasy world. This feline is the definition of apathetic. He’ll sit and watch you do wind sprints back-and-forth chasing the toy until you’re ready to heave. His enrichment is laughing at your misery.

Can you fly? A plane that is.

This high-society feline is also a jet-setter who likes to travel the world for frolicking. There’s the Cat’n Around Bimini, the World Cat Congress in Tasmania and the CFA International Cat Show & Expo in Cleveland, Ohio.

Since your cat master only does things first-class, you’ll need to convince his owner to fork over $250 million for a Boeing 777 plus the cost of your training that will run in the hundreds of thousands of dollars. Or you can just rent one for $28,500 per hour. If the cat theme is important, there’s Eva Air’s Hello Kitty triple-seven livery.

There’s so much more that will go into taking care of this royal pain in the ass, but no need to get into the details because in the time it took you to read this, it appears the job has been filled. The help wanted advertisement is no longer posted indicating that a cat nanny has been hired.

Lucky for you.