Kiboshed Kiwi Kiddie Kitty Killers
In the previous edition of The Chester Chronicles, we reported on the many municipalities in Australia trying to impose curfews on house cats to save unique native species on the continent. Their Southern Cross cousins in New Zealand were ready to take that to another level in regards to feral cats with a hunt, and the killers would be the nation’s children.
Liquidating feral cats in the land of kiwis is not new, having children pulling the trigger to plug wild pussycats would be. The animals are considered pests and risks to the country’s biosecurity with tens of millions of native species killed each year by cats. Considering the flightless kiwi is the nation’s national bird and it’s easy to understand New Zealanders need to protect them and other species from felines.
The North Canterbury Hunting Competition is an annual event on the country’s South Island and children participate. Hunting is a way of life in the rural parts of New Zealand and the tournament targets wild pigs, deer, rabbits and other critters, but this year feral cats were added to the list and that didn’t sit well with animal rights groups.
“We should be teaching our tamariki [children] empathy towards animals, not handing them the tools to kill them,” Will Appelbe, a spokesman for the animal welfare charity SAFE told 1News.
Children play an active role in the hunt. Last year some 250 youngsters bagged 427 animals of all sizes according to The Guardian. This June, kids 14 and under were scheduled to hunt the feral felines with a $250 NZ ($155 USD) prize awaiting the winner.
So, how does one distinguish the difference between a domesticated cat and a feral one? Do you run up to it to see if it has a collar? A microchip? How about checking its paws for callouses? A house cat doesn’t work the fields as hard as a feral kitty. Maybe just be direct and ask the feline, “Are you a domesticated or feral cat?” If the answer points towards the latter, the next sound you hear emanating from the New Zealand woods would be a bang.
As a result of being that close to their target, the children wouldn’t need long guns, but something more practical for the task, like a Glock. For the wee ones, maybe a Ruger EC9s which only weighs 17.2 ounces.
The tournament organizers considered this conundrum and came up with a solution. Any nipper nimrod who brought back a deceased cat with a microchip would be disqualified. The microchip signifying that the animal was someone’s pet. I’m sure the dearly departed domestic cats would be most grateful for the decisive action of the promoters.
“There is little to no difference in the physical appearance of feral, stray and pet cats. Disqualifying dead cats with microchips is too little too late. It’s not even an ambulance, but a grave at the bottom of the cliff,” Appelbe said.
New Zealand has about 1.2 million domestic cats and “millions” of feral ones according to Forest & Bird, a conservation group. So, at least the odds of shooting a feral cat would be greater. That’s a plus, isn’t it?
By the way, one of the responsibilities of New Zealand’s Department of Conservation is to kill feral cats by poisoning, trapping and shooting them. They could hire the North Canterbury Hunting Competition kids and teach them how to identify domestic felines.
This year’s hunt was organized to raise money to fund teachers and a pool in Rotherham, located along the banks of the Waiau Uwha River. Too bad some of that money wouldn’t go to spaying and neutering some of the country’s feral felines.
“There are numerous ways to raise money,” Appelbe said. “Sending children off to kill cats shouldn’t be one of them.”
Alas, that money won’t be raised from shooting cats. That’s because after much pressure, some of which was threatening, the North Canterbury Hunting Competition removed the feral cat hunt category from the event.
“Our sponsors and school safety are our main priority, so the decision has been made to withdraw this category for this year to avoid further backlash at this time,” the organizers announced on the NCHC’s Facebook page. “We are disappointed and apologies for those who were excited to be involved in something that is about protecting out native birds, and other vulnerable species.”
I asked our cat, Chester, who was reading the NRA’s Shooting Illustrated, for his reaction to the cat hunt being canceled.
“Good call by the Kiwis,” Chester said.
“And what if they hadn’t stopped the event from happening,” I asked.
“Arm the cats,” Chester casually said as he gazed at a photo of a new model SIG Sauer P320 pistol.
“Arm them?” I naively replied. “With what?”
“With guns,” Chester said. “Fight fire with fire, I say.”
“Are you actually advocating shooting kids!” I yelled.
“No! I’m advocating don’t shoot cats,” Chester retorted in a raised voice. “Live and let live when it comes to people and cats. If these kids want to play pop goes the pussycat, then it can be done in a bloodless and safe way that still satisfies their need to shoot a weapon.”
“How’s that?”
“Paintball guns,” Chester said proudly of his non-lethal idea. “Youngsters and cats fight it out with paintball guns.”
“What are the stakes,” I asked.
“If the kids win, then the feral cats have to agree to a moratorium for an as yet to be determined period of time to not kill birds and other little creatures in New Zealand. But not too long. You can’t realistically expect a wild cat to not hunt. A cat has to eat, you know.”
“Since cats can’t use guns, I don’t see why you would propose such a contest,” I said.
“Don’t be so sure us cats can’t fire a gun,” Chester countered.
“I’ve been reading up on this subject,” Chester began. “You can put the cats in motorized wheelchairs with bite control to steer the things. Then you can mount high quad shooting mounts with mechanical bite triggers attached to the paintball guns. That gives us cats mobility and firing power. And of course, don’t forget the custom-made tactical gear to protect our furry bodies.”
“Interesting,” I said. “And what do these cats get if they defeat the kids?”
“The kids have to adopt the cats. Lifetime commitment,” Chester declared.
“What about these kids’ parents,” I questioned. “They probably don’t want to adopt feral cats.”
“If you’re a parent and you agree to let your baby blaster enter the tournament, then you know going in what the consequences will be,” Chester said sounding like a judge.
“Besides, I think it’s more likely these gun-toting parents would want a cat who can handle a firearm. They may not like a cat using its claws and mouth to kill birds and other animals, but if they could do it with guns, they’d approve. Kindred spirits, if you know what I mean.”
For his non-fatal solution to the human-cat conflict, Chester is now being considered for The Order of New Zealand (ONZ), which can only be given to 20 living people. Since Chester is a cat, an exception will be made, though he’d rather just receive an extra bowl of kibble each day. You can’t eat an award.
Fight Club
“The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.”
Tyler Durden – played by Brad Pitt from the film, Fight Club
Anyone who has seen the movie Flight Club understands the importance of keeping the club a secret from the outside world. Apparently TikTok user @mickeymarisandmeg either didn’t see the film, or willingly broke the cardinal rule of Flight Club when she revealed the savage battles taking place in her home between her cat and dog.
The dog is Mickey, a Labrador Retriever who prefers to do his best work from a standing position. The cat, Maris, is a tabby who likes to lull Mickey into a false sense of dominance by fighting on his back until going full cat and throwing quick jabs. Each combatant has no hesitation going for the others neck in this daily blood feud.
Below is a video clip that @mickeymarisandmeg (aka Meg) posted on her site, exposing this barbarity to the world.
Warning: These images may upset some viewers. Children should not view the videos unless they’re with an adult or a case of Red Bull.
This particular clip has been viewed over a million times while others have been seen even more. The global attention clearly had an effect on Meg’s ego because she keeps posting these bloodbaths for her growing legions of demented followers.
Listening to the audio on these videos, it’s clear Meg is a sports broadcaster wannabe. She melds the styles of Joe Buck, Doris Burke and any large city coroner, bringing the excitement of a big sporting event combined with the dispassionate tones of an autopsy examination, something few others have accomplished.
The most vulnerable viewers are of course children who try to imitate these fight moves in their homes, not realizing how dangerous they are. Watching Maris and Mickey seamlessly move from a “Circle of Life” into a “Flying Saucer” maneuver as Meg describes them, or the “Velcro Spider Monkey, followed by a traditional left-right paw combination and then a “Neck Roll Death Grip” should only be done by professional fighters.
Exposing children and any other decent folk to these atrocities doesn’t weigh on Meg’s conscience who is in denial over how violent her videos are.
“The fact that it’s called ‘Fight Club’ is really a joke,” a dellusional Meg told Newsweek. “Their ‘fights’ are never malicious and they absolutely love each other.”
Sure they “love” each other. They love to beat the living kibble out of their house mate. If these fights aren’t malicious, then why all the fancy editing to prevent us from seeing the medical treatment Mickey and Maris need after each clash.
The other thing Meg hides from her viewers is her IP address using a combination of a proxy server and the best VPN money can buy. Originally, she considered only posting her pets’ battles on the Dark Web in better keeping with the first two rules of Fight Club, but decided to let everyone in on the canine-feline warfare.
Apparently for Meg, the first rule of fight club is covering your tracks.
May God have mercy on your soul @mickeymarisandmeg.
In summation, if you’re one of those freaks who can’t get enough violence in your entertainment, keep supporting your obsession and @mickeymarisandmeg’s TikTok page. If you’re a kindhearted human, then go watch puppies and kittens napping together on YouTube.
The Chester Chronicles 