War and Peace

Feline FUBAR

What do iamrowdycatdeafcat, littlemunchiepooky and strykerthecat all have in common?

A) They’re all TikTok cat stars

B) They are partially responsible for Ukraine’s ammunition shortage in its war with Russia

C) Both

The correct answer is – C) Both.

Yes, TikTok cats are impacting the war in Ukraine. But how?

Norwegian ammunition manufacturer Nammo says they’re facing an electricity shortage due to a recently built TikTok data center near its largest factory. And the company’s chief executive is blaming the cats.

Nammo’s Raufoss, Norway facility. Courtesy: Nammo.

“We are concerned because we see our future growth is challenged by the storage of cat videos,” Morten Brandtzaeg said to the Financial Times.

Courtesy: @iamrowdycatdeafcat/TikTok.

The local power company, Elvia, told the publication that it has no additional energy to provide Nammo because of the demand by TikTok which is awarded the power because of a first-come, first-served policy.

Courtesy: @littlemunchiepooky/TikTok.

So, while you’re watching TikTok videos of a cat mesmerized by a ceiling fan draped in toilet paper, a feline watching a cooking show and another riding on the dashboard of a car, there’s an army out there short on ammo thanks to your addiction to cat videos.

Courtesy: @strykerthecat.

In the United States, President Joe Biden has signed legislation banning TikTok on government devices over fears the Chinese social media company’s application is used to spy on its users. Congress has held hearings on possibly prohibiting TikTok’s use in the U.S. But have they addressed the more sinister aspect of TikTok – cat videos? No.

TikTok CEO Shou Chew answering softball questions from California Rep. Kat Man Du.

Like every other average Joe, the President and Congress are absorbed watching cat videos. That’s why they conveniently chose to turn a blind eye to this problem. Biden has even invited a rumored spy cat into the White House as previously documented in The Chester Chronicles.

China is using cat videos to influence the war in Ukraine and the U.S. government has no clue. While the Pentagon has earmarked millions to upgrade American munition plants, it could save money by directly addressing the diabolical cat video problem on TikTok.

Whether it’s a cyberattack or an outright nuclear ballistic missile strike on TikTok’s headquarters in Beijing, the U.S. needs to take action now before Ukraine runs out of large-caliber ammo for all the new guns its receiving from Western countries.

There hasn’t been the use of animals like this since 1959 when the U.S. Navy established its Marine Mammal Program to train dolphins and sea lions to detect mines and other objects.

The Dolphins were also sent to various marine animal parks around the world as a major distraction for humans in U.S. targeted countries. This is how the American’s successfully conducted regime change in Chile, Iraq and Nicaragua.

U.S. State Department poster urging Americans to stop watching TikTok cat videos.

Now the Chinese, who’s stolen bountiful amounts of information from America’s government and industry, is taking a page out of Uncle Sam’s animal distraction playbook to advance its national objectives; one of which is degrading Ukraine’s ability to defend itself against Russia. That in turn drags out the war which actually weakens the Kremlin’s military, making it easier for China to annex parts of the former and making the rest of Mother Russia a vassal of the Communist Party of China.

Holy John le Carré, Batman!

What can you do to defeat this plan? Stop watching cat videos on TikTok. If you’re a real patriot, you’ll occupy your time doing something else that’s frivolous like documenting yourself committing crimes and posting videos on social media (but not TikTok).

Slava Ukraini.

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An Ashland, Kentucky woman, didn’t like a new recliner she ordered; apparently her cat had a different opinion.

Randi McGlone Reyna, 59, had a new recliner delivered to her home. Her cat, Inky, immediately jumped on the new furniture and gave it her approval. Unfortunately for Inky, her human owner had a change of heart over the chair and called to have it sent back to the store she bought it from. She also ordered a new model recliner.

Two delivery men arrived at her home and took the old recliner away, but that wasn’t the only thing to leave the house; Inky was gone too.

“It was so upsetting – she’d just disappeared, and I began to think that she’d run off and I’d never see her again,” Reyna told The Washington Post.

Inky, sans recliner. Courtesy: Randi McGlone Reyna.

Ironically, our cat Chester was reading the Post article while sitting in our family room recliner.

“That cat didn’t just ‘disappear’. I bet the dog did it,” detective Chester said.

Sure enough, Reyna added her dog, Gracie, seemed concerned about the missing cat.

“The only thing that dog is ‘concerned’ about is getting found out for ditching Inky,” Chester deduced.

Reyna added Inky and Gracie are best friends.

“Bull [cough] ..it,” Chester sputtered out. “What’s that saying? With a friend like Gracie, who needs enemies? Yeah, that’s it.”

“When they hauled the chair out the door, I thought maybe Inky had gotten out, because I didn’t see her anywhere,” Reyna said. “She’s always afraid when there are strangers in the house.”

Inky taken away in the recliner.

“Or a dog in the house,” Chester sarcastically chimed.

“So, what happened to Inky,” I asked.

“Three days later, this Reyna lady gets a call from the Ohio warehouse of the company she got her recliner from, which is about 30 miles from her home. They ask her if she has a black cat. Bingo.

“They said that a cat popped out of my [returned] chair and darted away as soon as they set it down inside,” Reyna told the publication.

Inky alerts warehouse employees she’s stuck in the recliner.

Reyna went to the warehouse but couldn’t find Inky.

“I was told that the chair was on the truck for three days before they took it out. Three days in the dark with no food or water! My poor cat. I couldn’t believe it.”

“I couldn’t believe it either,” Gracie told The Chester Chronicles in an exclusive interview.

“I was hoping they’d never find that raggedy cat,” Gracie continued. “But my luck, they did.”

Three weeks later, Reyna received another call from the warehouse.

“They’d finally caught her, and other than being a little thirsty, she was fine,” Reyna said. “I went right over there with my carrier to get her. We were so happy to see each other – Inky was sweet and loved all over me, and I did the same to her.”

Inky gives the death stare to Randi McGlone Reyna after returning home to a new recliner she hates. Courtesy: Randi McGlone Reyna.

But Gracie received no cuddles. Instead, yelling could be heard between the two “friends”.

“Did the story mention what Inky said to Gracie,” I inquired.

“No, but I bet that dog got a face full of claw marks,” Chester squealed.

Asked why she packed Inky in the recliner, Gracie was direct.

“I took an insurance policy out on the cat,” Gracie told The Chester Chronicles. “I owed a heap of Milk-Bones to a loan shark dog and needed a lot of cash quickly.”

Unfortunately for Inky, she hates the new recliner, proving that not all stories end happily.

Phone: Ring, ring.

Furniture store: “Hello.”

Inky: “Yes, I’d like to get a new recliner.”

Furniture store: “Are you the same lady from Kentucky who swapped out recliners last month?”

Inky: “Why yes I am. Thank you for remembering. I’ve changed my mind and would like the first recliner I ordered brought back. You guys can remove the one sitting in my living room.

“Oh, by the way, if you hear barking sounds coming from the chair, disregard it.”

Furniture store: “Ok. Anything else we can help you with?”

Inky: “As a matter of fact there is. Can you recommend a good insurance agent? I’d like to take out a life insurance policy.

“I’m asking for a friend.”

Never mind that stuff about not all stories having a happy ending.

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