Catamatic
While you probably visualize humans as the sole users of appliances, that hasn’t stopped cats from taking advantage of them too.
The electric home appliances we’re familiar with started in the early 20th century and help you clean clothes, wash dishes, keep food fresh and toast bread just to mention a few. So, when you see the Labor Day sale advertisements on TV for stuff around the kitchen, note how your cat perks up as well to watch them.
A couple of recent examples of sharing gadgets that are making their way around the internet show a cat using a massager while another brewed a nice cup of coffee.
A British shorthair named Ciccio was able to chill out while rubbing against an electric hand massager designed for cats.
I doubt by the looks of other videos of Ciccio, he is living a stressful life, but maybe he pulled a neck muscle chasing a toy mouse. Anyway, this chill cat likes to hold the device with his paws while purring loudly. It’s a great life.
If you like your cat caffeinated, you’ll love Alice. Taking advantage of a coffee pod that was on the counter, Alice picked it up with her teeth which punctured the pod. She then placed it in her refilling water bowl. The effect was like a chocolate fountain you’d find at a wedding reception.
The caffeine in coffee has the same effect on cats as on people with increased heart rate and hyperactivity. But the cat’s small size means it doesn’t take much to cause real harm to the animal.
Alice’s owner, Sidney Morgan, told Newsweek she was confident her cat didn’t drink the brew. Morgan says Alice likes to drop toys in her water bowl but that doesn’t explain the cat constantly fidgeting, excessive meowing or acting without thinking. Never mind, that’s how cats usually act.
I mentioned these stories to our cat Chester, who was busy using a KitchenAid mixer in preparation for his pièce de résistance, kibble omelet à la Chester.
“Hey Neanderthal, it’s like you just discovered fire,” Chester scoffed. “We cats have been using your stuff for as long as we’ve known you humans. What took you so long to notice?”
“Really,” I stammered.
“Sure,” Chester said proudly. “If it involves getting better food quicker in a more palatable and sanitary way, you can thank us cats. We’ve drawn up the plans and slipped them to our human friends. They of course ‘invent’ them and take all the credit, but we improve our culinary repertoire and overall hygiene.
“Did Fred W. Wolf invent the first electric refrigerator? No, it was a cat who wanted his food not to spoil in the summer. The microwave? It wasn’t Percy Spencer; it was a cat who demanded fast food served hot. How about the dishwasher? If you guessed Josephine Cochran, wrong! It was of course another cat who wanted the crud cleaned off its bowl.
“It all makes sense if you really think about it, dunderhead. Cats are finicky, impatient, and super hygienic. Why do you think we lick are butt hole, because we can? No, we just like things cleaned, especially ourselves. That’s why we came up with all these ideas for appliances and gadgets.”
“So, I should thank you cats for all the kitchen inventions,” I asked my technocat.
“Not all of it,” Chester said sounding perturbed at the thought.
“We didn’t invent the Ginsu knife or pizza wheel, but just about everything else, well yeah.
“P.S. hot shot – did you know Mr. Gravity himself, Sir Isaac Newton, is credited with inventing the cat door? Another error of history. It was a cat who came up with that idea because he was looking for a quick way into the house when it was hungry.”
“Next you’re going to tell me a cat told Newton about the law of gravity,” I said scornfully, not believing the impact cats have had on human history.
“No,” Chester said matter-of-factly. “We don’t care too much about gravity because us cats always land on our feet. That’s your worry, not ours.”
“Are you cats sitting on your laurels or have you come up with anything new,” I quizzed our tabby.
“Of course,” Chester said. “We’re always looking to come up with new toys and improving on the ones we originally invented.”
“Like,” I asked.
“Like that cat door, I mentioned,” Chester began. “We digitized that one with a microchip so only a cat wearing a collar can open the flap. Then there’s the Litter Robot that automatically cleans our litter boxes. That one’s, my favorite.
“I’m working on an improved cat carrier.”
“Oh,” I said with great interest.
“Yeah, if I or any other cat is going to be traumatized every time we’re taken to the vet, then we might as well have the most comfortable ride imaginable,” Chester said. “So, I’m working on a super-deluxe joy box that has the most exquisite padding, tinted windows, running water for drinking, litter box with catnip aroma for after we go, and a home theater system including wi-fi, Sirius XM, and satellite TV. It will come in several different colors including racing stripe options.”
“Let’s say I’m a venture capitalist, how much seed money do you need for your project,” I asked, trying to scheme my way into a windfall of money.
“Sorry, Charlie,” Chester quickly shot back. “You humans have ripped our ideas off for years. I need the dough to pad my 401(k).”
“You’re what,” I said in astonishment.
“Don’t act so coy big shot,” Chester said. “You think I’m not smart enough to plan for the future. I have no intention of hanging out here until the end of time. I want to retire and see the world.”
“I thought you hated to travel,” I asked.
“Not if I’m traveling in style in my super-deluxe cat carrier, which by the way you would be schlepping,” Chester informed me. “But don’t get too excited. Just because I’m dragging you around doesn’t mean I’m paying for you. I’ll be up in first class with my fellow cats and you can sit back in coach with your knees pressed against your face. That will give you an idea what it’s been like for me in that small piece of junk you call a cat carrier.”
“I don’t like the sound of that,” I shot back.
“Then go invent something, moron and take care of your own 401(k),” Chester shouted. I’ll see you in Tahati as I sip on a piña catlada on the beach. I’ll even let you fan me, peasant.”
So now I’m working on my own invention, a cat muzzle.
The Chester Chronicles 