This is a Joke, Right?

Bathtub Yule Logs

A cat in Liskeard, England showed she was a quick learner in how to celebrate Christmas by taking a human joke and turning it into a series of very real Yule log excretions.

Sophia Williams thought it would be funny to place an Elf on the Shelf inside the jaws of a toy shark in her bathtub with chocolate markings on the wall spelling “Poo, Yuck!” with a happy face.

The joke was meant for her family, instead, her cat Amber played one on her.

Williams’ nine-year old daughter Hollie discovered that Amber had dropped several fecal Yule Log presents in the tub.

Amber the cat left several Christmas gifts for her human family. Courtesy: Sophia Williams.

“I didn’t see [the cat poo] at first, it was Hollie,” Sophia told Plymouth Herald, “I go to look thinking she’s referring to Buddy’s (our elf) chocolate antics and realize the cat has taken a dump in the bathtub! She never poos in there!”

Williams says she got the idea for her gag by Googling Elf on the Shelf ideas. Obviously, she didn’t read the disclaimer about the impact these stunts would have on a cat.

Our feline, Chester, was looking at the cat section of the latest Victoria’s Secret catalogue when I interrupted his viewing pleasure to tell him about Amber.

“Don’t bother me,” a perturbed Chester sneered. “I’m critiquing the latest fashions and so far, I approve of everything.”

“You don’t find it amusing that Amber took the Elf on the Shelf joke to another level,” I asked.

“No,” was Chester’s efficient response as I could see his eyes widen when he turned the page. “Where do they find these cats? I’ve never met any queens who looked like this.”

“I know what you mean,” I chimed in. “I’ve never seen humans who look like the women in those catalogues.

“Anyway, what do you think about this cat Amber?”

“Cats will mimic anything their owners do to win approval,” Chester said. “Just because we don’t have opposable thumbs, doesn’t mean we can’t pull off some good shenanigans.

“I saw that story and all I can say is that the Williams lady is lucky she didn’t try some of those other gags.”

“Like what,” I asked.

How far do you want to take things? Amber is capable of hostage taking and washing machine dunking. Courtesy: Sophia Williams.

“Like the ‘held hostage’ one,” Chester said. “The suggestion was to put black tape around the elf and hang it on the wall. Can you imagine what a cat would do? Don’t ask, I’ll tell you. Amber would pull out a Glock and zip tie the whole family and lock them in a closet. Then she would call the bobbies, cops to you, and make up a riddle that includes demands for unlimited kibble. Once law enforcement figured it all out, she had her Christmas wish come true and the Williams never pulled that joke again.

“Then there was the ‘turn our washing machine into a rollercoaster’ brainstorm. How much fun for the family to watch the poor elf get thrown around like it was in a hurricane for their amusement. Guess what would happen next? Quiet, I’ll tell you! Amber would throw a kid in the machine, add plenty of soap, turn it on, take a video and post it on TikTok with Bobby Lewis’ Tossin’ and Turnin’ as the background music. Now that’s fun!

Chester’s favorite holiday reading. Cover courtesy: Victoria’s Secret; sexy cat courtesy: Eldar Zakirov.

“Most of that other stuff mentioned like ‘show off his mischievous side’ or ‘climbing a wall’ is cat behavior 101, so, no interest to us felines.

“Now if you don’t mind, I’m going back to my reading. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, idiot.

“Thanks for the holiday cheer,” I grumbled and left Chester to his kitty fantasies.

Ho Ho Ho.

A Gathering of Old Cat Ladies

A few miles north of Alabama’s capital, Montgomery, sits the quiet community of Wetumpka, population 7,220. Despite its size, Wetumpka calls itself the ‘City of Natural Beauty’. But it harbors a darker, more sinister secret the townsfolk don’t want you to know about.

If you believe in the old idiom, “don’t judge a book by its cover,” then the same holds true for Wetumpka. This easy-going community on the banks of the Coosa River harbors two of the nation’s most fiendish criminals. Alabama’s very own Thelma and Louise go by the names, Mary Alston and Beverly Roberts.

Alston and Roberts were arrested back in June near the Municipal Courthouse by police and charged the two with trespassing. The cops were tipped off by eagle-eyed Wetumpka Mayor Jerry Willis who noticed the ladies loitering around the building. Did law enforcement prevent the women from blowing up the courthouse, stop a kidnapping of a judge or even worse, yelling for all to hear that Bear Bryant was a second-rate football coach?

The answer is much worse.

Alston and Roberts were in the process of….(this is difficult to write)…feeding feral cats for the purpose of spaying and neutering them to reduce their population in a humane way.

The faces of evil. Wetumpka police bodycam footage shows 85-year-old Bevely Roberts (standing) and 61-year-old Mary Alston, facing a massive police show of force. Their heinous act – feeding feral cats. Courtesy: Wetumpka Police Department.

Oh, by the way, Alston is 61-years-old and Roberts is 85.

Three police cruisers descended upon Alston and Roberts on that hot Alabama morning. The cops had guns, tasers, mace and donuts at their disposal while the women were armed with cans of Fancy Feast. Media reports did not disclose the caliber of the cat food.

Roberts even called one of the officers a “son of a bitch” after she was handcuffed. A typical retort by a hood, blaming the police for protecting society from homicidal maniacs.

Video of Mary Alston and Beverly Roberts arrest. Warning: Viewer discretion advised. Contains scenes of dangerous cat loving senior citizens being apprehended. Courtesy Wetumpka Police Department via al.com.

Fast forward to December and the sleepy hamlet of Wetumpka was deluged with national media to cover the trial of the century. Before Judge Jeff Courtney, the women faced an armada of legal big wigs including special prosecutor Brad Ekdahl who came in all the way from Prattville, a distance of nearly 14 miles!

During his testimony, Mayor Willis admitted to previously having interactions with the women including being challenged by Roberts over animal control ordinances. Willis added that after he called the police, he did not ask for the cat ladies to be arrested. Note: In Alabama, purjury is a Class C felony punishable from one to 10 years and a fine up to $15,000. Just saying.

Glum-faced Beverly Roberts and Mary Alston know the deck is stacked against them before their trial for their sadistic practice of feeding feral cats. Courtesy: @DavidBegnaud/Twitter.

Another heavyweight to testify against Alston and Roberts was Chief Operations Officer for Elmore County, Richard Beyer. He stated that the feline food and trash left by the cat ladies was attracting buzzards. You know, the ones circling around the death of morality in our country.

But Beyer didn’t stop there. He claimed that the cats and buzzards had caused thousands of dollars in damage to vehicles. Beyer said cats (always cats) had gotten through a firewall between the engine and passenger cab of a truck. Beyer didn’t say how this was achieved or why exactly cats would do such a thing.

The last known case of a cat stealing a motor vehicle for a joyride was back in 2018 when an unidentified feline took Will Power’s Indy 500 car around the Indianapolis Motor Speedway two days before the big race (which Power went on to win).

Ballsy move by 85-year-old Beverly Roberts who snuck cans of Fancy Feast in her purse during her trial. She refused to say how she got them past security. Courtesy: al.com

But not everyone was trying to throw Alston and Roberts in jail. Beyer’s testimony was challenged by an expert on feral cats who said the claim that felines were responsible for the truck damage was more likely caused by rodents. Did I mention the punishment for purjury in Alabama?

Furthermore, Montgomery Humane Society Director Steven Tears stated that what the ladies were doing wasn’t a nuisance to the public but to fix the nuisance of feral cats. Don’t cry for me Wetumpka.

Surprisingly, no feral cats were called to testify on the women’s behalf.

A life of crime continues for Beverly Roberts and Mary Alston, seen here after their convictions, whispering QAnon subliminal messages to Big Boy. The cat is now a declared candidate for President of the United States in 2024. Courtesy: Jake Crandall/Montgomery Advertiser.

In the end, not even Vinny Gambini could have saved Alston and Roberts from the expected outcome. Alabama justice was swift and hard. Judge Courtney threw the book at America’s most wanted handing out a length of 10 and a fine of 100 big ones. That’s 10 days suspended and $100 plus court cost. They also received two years unsupervised probation which means these cons are back out on the street terrorizing Wetumpka.

Before sentencing, a defiant Roberts and Judge Courtney sparred.

“I’m not the first person in Wetumpka to feed cats,” Roberts extolled. “People were doing it long before me. I just got caught.”

“You weren’t convicted for feeding cats,” Courtney countered.

“I know, because that’s not illegal!” Roberts hissed while nervously licking her paw, I mean hand.

These Stray Cats should not be confused with feral cats, the type that hardened criminals Mary Alston and Beverly Roberts were feeding. Courtesy: Russ Harrington.

If I were a police officer in Wetumpka, I’d be asking myself, “why bother?” If the lowest of the low can commit unspeakable acts of lawlessness and get off easy, I’d be looking for a new career.

Alston and Roberts should be locked up at the Julia Tutwiler Prison for Women for a very long time and working on a chain gang. At the very least, they should be cleaning litter boxes as a form of community service. That’s justice.

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