Cute, Cuddly and Conspiratorial

Bright Shining Cat Lies

Chester was reading the New York Times recently when he looked up and told me the paper had a story titled, “Those Cute Cats Online? They Help Spread Misinformation.” There was a twinkle in his eyes when he said it, so I took the bait and asked him why he seemed gleeful about the story.

“Cats have been spreading misinformation for as long as when they first suckered humans into letting them into their homes,” he said.

“Really,” I said.

“Of course,” Chester countered. “We purr and meow to get what we want while rubbing up against your legs to mark you as our own property. The misinformation we feed you is that cats like or even love you, when in fact we’re just using humans for our own benefit. Over the centuries we’ve honed this con into an art form.

“This Times story is old news to us cats,” Chester said.

I had to admit that cute cats or any other animal have been used for a long time in any number of ways to hook people into buying a product, to take action about something or believing in an idea that might not be truthful. Bottom line, the Times might well have reported that Charles Lindbergh just landed in France. Cute cats helping to spread misinformation? Duh!

Cute cat Chester, shilling for RCA Victor.

“I’ll let you in on some cat history, big guy,” Chester chortled. “The Trojan Horse idea – came from a cat named Gáta Exypnádes. That Italian guy, Charles Ponzi – his ‘Ponzi Scheme’ was really a concept worked up by his cat, Genio del Gatto. And the headline from the Weekly World News entitled “Dick Cheney is a Robot!” – that was written by a cat name Pulitzer, except that last one is legit. The payoff was all those cats got loads of kibble for their efforts or whatever the equivalent was back in the day.”

“A house cat is not really a fur baby, but it is something rather more remarkable: a tiny conquistador with the whole planet at its feet. House cats would not exist without humans, but we didn’t really create them, nor do we control them now. Our relationship is less about ownership than aiding and abetting.”

Abigail Tucker – The Lion in the Living Room: How House Cats Tamed Us and Took Over the World

Holy Area 51 Batman! I was floored. I had no idea what diabolical deceptions cats have been working on people for the past several millennia. Now that’s a story the New York Times should print.

I was starting to doubt everything that I believed to be true; the moon landings, Crash winning the Best Picture Oscar, Kim Kardashian’s figure, my SAT scores.

Lindbergh landed, as did Chester while cute cats are used for misinformation as the New York Times dutifully reported.

“One more tidbit for you hotshot,” Chester said in a more serious tone. “You know that QAnon thing?”

“Yes,” I said hesitantly.

“I’m Q,” Chester said proudly. “I’ve had a lot of fun on 4chan when you’re not around.”

“No freaking way,” I exclaimed.

“I wasn’t looking to be Q, but you throw enough crap against the conspiratorial website wall, and well, sometimes stuff sticks,” Chester said.

“I thought Q was a government insider,” I said, trying to wrap my head around what Chester was telling me.

“And,” Chester asked.

“So, I wrote that I was in the government and a whole bunch of other made-up stuff,” he continued. “The more the lunatic fringe read, the more misinformation I fed them. It easily got out of control and that only made me hungrier to feed the beast. I’m surprised the Rapture hasn’t happened yet.”

“Where do you come up with this stuff,” I asked, already knowing what the answer was.

“Synthetic catnip,” Chester said nonchalantly. “When Connecticut legalized marijuana, there was a last minute add to the bill to legalize synthetic catnip too. Guess how that got in there. Don’t bother, I’ll tell you. A cat named Nutmeg, who ‘belongs’ to Governor Ned Lamont, did some creative wordplay on his laptop and forwarded it back to the state legislature. Of course, no one read that part and bingo, a cat fantasy comes true.”

I was very impressed by my little Joseph Goebbels of a cat.

Conspiracies like JFK Jr., who died in a plane crash in 1999 and would appear in Dallas, at the spot where his father, President Kennedy, was assassinated in 1963 – that was from Q, a.k.a. Chester. On August 13, 2021, Donald Trump would return to power – yep, Chester. And my favorite; satanic pedophile Democrats, led by Hillary Clinton with the help of Hollywood and others in the power elite, were running a criminal enterprise that abducts children for sex-trafficking, tortures them and finally concludes with the evil ones cannibalizing the kids. Can’t say I’ve seen that one on the menu at Taco Bell. Anyway, Clinton is then arrested by Navy SEALs on behalf of Donald Trump and taken to Gitmo, thereby saving the world. You have to admire the creativity while being scared that people actually believe this stuff.

Psychotherapist Isabelle Nazare-Aga wrote the “30 Characteristics of Manipulators,” and it describes Chester and his creative writing to a tee. We have one crazy and dangerous cat in our home.

But, like a cat, I’m just a little curious what would happen if I surreptitiously put out some crazy conspiratorial theories. Not as good as Chester of course, still, I’m sure I can come up with something.

How about a secret Jewish space laser that’s used to start California wildfires in order to clear space for a high-speed rail project? Already done? Really? I can’t imagine anyone else coming up with that.

Anyhow, I’ll stick to reading Chester’s fiction writings. It’s better than what you get in The New York Times anyway.

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