I Want To Go to There
Back in the 1960s and early 70s, it was a thing to hijack U.S. airliners and force the crews to fly them to Cuba. Now, one particular cat has turned hijacking on its head.
A Ryanair flight was getting ready to take off from Rome for Germany when crew members heard the sound of meows. Since the 737’s CFM56-7B engines don’t make that sound, the cockpit asked for maintenance personnel to find the source of the yowling.
After several of the jet’s panels were removed, the source of the noise was discovered hiding in an electrical bay.
Spoiler alert, it was a cat.
Why or how the animal got onto the aircraft isn’t officially known. But the furball had a copy of Rick Steves Iceland travel guide.
Call me crazy, but I don’t think die Katze had any intention of that jet landing in Deutschland.
Obviously this black and white feline who appeared to sport a fake mustache and had a D.B. Copper tattoo, had nefarious intentions.
Several attempts to snatch the stowaway were unsuccessful as the cat moved farther into the wiring. That move resulted in the flight being canceled for safety reasons.
Because if a cat has a book, it stands to reason it could also have wire cutters. That could cause a catastrophe.
When it became clear the unnamed cat wasn’t going to leave its hiding place in a game of cat-and-human, it was decided to open one of the doors to the aircraft and have everyone step away.
Realizing the plane wasn’t going anywhere, the feline smugly cat walked down the jet’s stairs and sashayed onto the tarmac to parts unknown.
Maybe a deal had been struck because the Carabinieri weren’t waiting for the alleged hijacker with catcuffs.
If the plane wasn’t going to Iceland, it wasn’t going to Germany either. It took 48 hours for the grounds crew to inspect the jet before it was allowed to finally fly to Allemagne.
How could this incident have happened? Easy. Airport security is designed to prevent people from doing bad things, not cats.
TSA or any nation’s airport security apparatus isn’t going to have a cat go through millimeter-wave advanced imaging technology and walk-through metal detectors.
Security also isn’t going to request a feline to place anything in their pockets in a bin and onto the X-ray belt. They’re not kangaroos.
Since cats don’t wear shoes, that’s out too.
Security may want to pet the cat but not frisk it.
As for needing a boarding pass, that’s for chumps. If you plan on hijacking a plane, who needs that. Just scoot through a hole in a fence and sneak onboard.
That’s exactly what happened in 2021 when a stowaway cat entered the cockpit of a Tarco Airlines 737 demanding he be flown to France to attend the Cannes Film Festival instead of the plane’s scheduled destination of Doha.
Screened that year at Cannes was The French Dispatch, featuring hundreds of cats. The feral feline wouldn’t miss that, especially since he was a big supporter of cat artists. Not to mention he loved Wes Anderson films.
The pilot’s response was, “no”.
Big mistake.
Nothing angers a cat more than being told it can’t see a movie.
The aircraft was 30 minutes into its flight when the animal displayed the weapons that no security checkpoint would dare uncover, its claws.
Said cat went after said pilot with an uncontrollable bloodlust.
Attempts to corral the assassin were futile. Somehow, the pilot safely returned the jet to its departure city of Khartoum, Sudan.
At the time of the incident, there was no information on the pilot’s condition or where the terrorist disappeared.
Sources have told The Chester Chronicles the cat rejoined the Lord’s Resistance Army. A group the would-be hijacker joined after watching the film version of Les Misérables, which he saw at Cannes in 2019.
Looking for more insight on the former feline felony, I turned and asked our do-nothing cat, Chester, why a cat would attempt such a thing.
“Easy,” Chester replied while perusing KAYAK on my phone. “There are no direct flights from Rome to Reykjavik.
“Do you really think we cats would want to change flights to get to where we want to go?
“No way. Us felines know there’s a great chance we’d miss our connection, and we’re not about to get hosed by unreliable airlines.
“We cats need instant gratification.”
“Really,” I said.
“Sure,” Chester began. “Let me give you an example. When we’re hungry, us cats will walk over and rub against your legs and start to purr. You humans may think we’re being affectionate, but that’s not the case. It’s our way of communicating most nicely, ‘FEED ME NOW STUPID!
“And when you don’t, we pee on the floor and watch you clean it up.”
“Interesting. What happens if the human doesn’t react quickly to your demands,” I asked.
“We fantasize about your demise,” Chester sneered.
“When would you like to eat,” I asked, quickly getting the hint.
“Now,” Chester said.
“Won’t you rub up against my leg and purr first?”
“NOW, STUPID!”
“Coming right up,” I meekly replied.
With Chester, I would be safer owning a tiger.
The Chester Chronicles 