Newton Schmooton
We’re all suckers.
That’s right class. For centuries we have been led to believe that Sir Isaac Newton’s third law of motion, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, has been an absolute order of the natural world.
Silly Newton. He didn’t come up with that idea by observing cats.
In 1687, the mathematician, physicist, astronomer, alchemist, theologian, author and virgin wrote his magnum opus, Philosophiae Naturalis Principia Mathematica. It contained Newton’s three laws of motion.
Pay attention class.
- First law (Inertia) – A body at rest or at a constant speed in a straight line will remain so at its consistant speed unless it is acted upon by a force. Check.
- Second law (Force) – The force of an object is equal to the mass times acceleration (F = ma). Check.
- Third law (Action and Reaction) – For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction (F A = − F B). Wrong.
Newton, who may or may not have been hit in the head by an apple but was clearly struck by a brick thrown from a cat, used math to come up with his three laws. If he had simply watched fur babies acting like the crazy creatures they are, he would have stopped after the first two.
To illustrate this flaw, view the following video which shows that the action of a single cat is not equal to the reaction it causes.
This is a chain reaction. While Newton’s third law of motion offers valuable insight into the mechanics of force transfer within a chain reaction, a complete explanation requires a multifaceted approach that considers a range of physical (cat physiology) and chemical principles (catnip).
In other words, no mathematical formula can explain cat action and reaction with absolute certainty.
What may explain the video is not a law but a theory, Chaos Theory.
In the early 1960s, MIT mathematician and meteorologist, Edward Lorenz came up with modern Chaos Theory. Appropriate since predicting the weather and the behavior of cats is similar as both are difficult to forecast.
For example, you experience Chaos Theory when your outdoor barbecue is hit with a monsoon even though the weatherman said it would be a sunny day with zero chance of rain. This causes Chaos with your festivities.
Chaos Theory in its simplest terms according to the academic site, BYJU, “explains that within the visible randomness of complex, chaotic systems, there are inherent repetition, patterns, self-organisation, interconnectedness, self-similarity, and constant feedback loops.”
For felines, this may provide answers to their bizarre behavior. Laymen may refer to this unpredictability as the zoomies while the medical term is insanus cattus.
Here is a mathimatical equation representing Chaos Theory: x(n+1)=3.95[x(n)][1-x(n)].
A real-life example of Chaos Theory is when our pet, Chester (x in the formula), will run around the house like a possessed animal for no apparent reason. Or it’s simply the joy he feels after a massive dump in his litter box.
Another example is when you come home and sneak up on your pet to discover it’s working on a detailed plan for world domination. The chaos this will have on society can’t be figured out with a math formula.
And shame on you for not suspecting anything. Despite all the dictator videos and books strewn around the room. Dr. Anarchy’s Rules for World Domination or Triumph of the Will weren’t big enough clues for you? Go sit in the corner.
Scientific theories cover many areas including atomic energy, electromagnetics and evolution. The Chester Chronicles knows of no theories in the field of felinology. Schrodinger’s Cat doesn’t count.
In conclusion; scientific laws predict the results of certain initial conditions. Theories try to explain how nature behaves logically about why things happen as they do.
Since cats don’t follow laws and they aren’t logical, forget the whole law versus theory thing. Neither can prognosticate the mind of a feline and its actions.
Class, if you want to change your major and move into the area of jurisprudence, you can focus on tort law.
Since there are no descendants of Isaac Newton (remember he was a virgin), you may want to hire legal representation to sue your high school and or college instead for teaching the Englishman’s false science.
I know a fat cat who is a great lawyer if you need a recommendation.
Class dismissed.
Kiss My Glass
Despite the chaotic nature of cats, they can be pretty cool under pressure, even when death is staring them in the puss.
Such was the case for a Brazilian cat named Frida who was as cool as a cucumber while laying down by the window of her 14th-floor apartment. On the other side were two large birds of prey just a few inches away.
Frida’s feathered friends were two crested caracaras (large falcons). The species has wingspans from 48 to 49.2 inches and is described as a “broad-winged opportunist that often feeds on carrion,” according to the National Audubon Society. They are also aggressive by nature.
Frida isn’t carrion but the birds were very interested in turning her into that. They had just one problem, the glass window.
“Cats, as you know, are quite impervious to threats.” – Connie Willis, fromTo Say Nothing of the Dog
Frida understood what the window was and how it provided her with the safety to calmly stare down the birds. The fowl on the other hand couldn’t wrap their bird brains around the puzzle they were dealing with.
To give you an idea of the impact that a sheet of glass has on birds, one billion of them die each year in the United States from flying into windows according to the Smithsonian.
Frida’s owner, Clovis Marques said the birds had made frequent visits to his window. Then one day one of the caracaras was “knocking hard on the window,” and then “looked me in the eyes and opened his beak,” he told Newsweek.
Marques realized the birds were hungry and began feeding them. Fortunately for Frida and her sibling Fidel, they weren’t being served as dinner.
So, flying into Marques’ window wasn’t the issue for the caracaras, it was trying to figure out how to get on the other side for some fresh meat.
While one of the falcons watched, the other tried to peck at the cat and grab it with its talons but was thwarted by the glass. Frida just lay there amused while enjoying the bird’s frustration. She didn’t even have to worry about giving up one of her nine lives.
Our cat, Chester, is a house cat, but we let him out on the back deck when the weather is nice.
I’m very conscious of the red-tailed hawks that soar over our house. They’re about the same size as a caracara. Now and then they’re just catching some thermals, but there are other moments were you can tell it’s hunting time. When that happens I scoop up Chester and get him back inside. There’s no pane of glass to protect him outside.
He can be bewildered by that. We usually only scoop him up when he runs off the deck to eat some grass.
Is Chester grateful for being saved from possible death?
No. He just wants another bowl of kibble with a side of lawn. He isn’t subtle about it either. Chester will meow his head off to the point where you have thoughts of putting him back outside for the hawks.
I asked him why he was so annoying.
“Because I like it,” Chester purred.
“You like being the troublesome tabby don’t you,” knowing what his answer would be.
“Yes, it’s in my blood,” Chester said proudly. “Unlike you, I love hearing the sound of nails on a chalkboard, especially from my claws.”
“That’s an accurate description of your meowing,” I said. “Why don’t you make your point more discreetly?”
“What is discreet,” Chester asked.
“It means to not be a pain in the ass,” I shouted.
“You’re asking the impossible from me,” Chester snarled. “I might as well be dead.”
“That’s a good idea,” I said.
“You want me dead,” Chester exclaimed.
“How about the next best thing,” I countered. “Something more quiet and effective that could get you additional kibble.”
“I’m listening,” Chester said now giving me his full attention.
“Play dead.”
“What?”
“Pretend you’re dead. It’s called acting. I’d appreciate a quieter and more entertaining way from you for trying to scam us out of more food.”
“I work better with visuals,” Chester stated. “Can you show me what you mean?”
“As a matter of fact I can”
I showed Chester the Oscar-worthy performance of a Canadian kitty named Macy.
Macy is a rescue cat and must have learned a lot while locked in stir at the shelter.
When the ginger cat wants to let her owner, Rylie Peacock, know she’s hungry, Macy does her best opossum imitation. Lying motionless, belly up and with curled-up paws, Macy holds her death position until she’s made her point and miraculously springs back to life.
It’s a real tour de force.
“You’re telling me I’ll get more yummies by just lying on my back,” Chester asked in amazement.
“And not meow a word,” I added.
“I do that half the day already,” Chester said excitedly
“Great. Now you can do it for more than half the day.”
What I didn’t expect was that our thespian cat decided to research movie death scenes to earn extra credit for playing dead.
Instead of dying quietly, Chester pretended to by Sonny Corleone getting blasted by hundreds of bullets in The Godfather. He even provided his own machinegun sound effects.
Then he played the part of Jack in Titanic as he slipped into the ice-cold Atlantic complete with girggling sounds.
Lastly, he pretended to be Willam Wallace in Braveheart while he was tortured before being executed. Chester yelled “freedom” at least a hundred times before rolling on his back.
I will give Chester credit for picking great movies though his performances were way over the top. But his efforts were worthy of extra kibble.
Unfortunately for us, there are hundreds of thousands of cinematic death scenes and Chester seems intent on studying all of them.
The show must go on but I wish it wasn’t in our home.
Freedom!
The Chester Chronicles 
Chester’s Sonny Corleone is Oscar-worthy!
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You should have seen his Romeo and Juliet performance. Our house is getting calls from talent agents. What a ham.
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😆😆
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