While I Was Hibernating

Fake News

While our cat Chester and I were hibernating during the winter, there have been some big news events with two standing out.

Vince Lombardi Would Be Proud

Taylor Swift wins the Super Bowl: Kansas City Chiefs’ super fan, Swift, was clearly the biggest reason the Chiefs became the first team to repeat as champions since the 2003-04 New England Patriots.

Sitting in her $2.5 million luxury suite at Allegiant Stadium at Las Vegas, Swift was the acting offensive and defensive coordinator for KC. Chiefs head coach Andy Reid who relinquished his play calling duties and ordered the same for the usual defensive coordinator, Steve Spagnuolo.

In case you were unaware, and you would be the only one, Swift is dating Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce. That relationship got Swift inside the Chiefs facility and a chance to talk football with Reid. Multiple sources told The Chester Chronicles that Swift’s knowledge on both sides of the ball made it a no-brainer for Reid to employ the 14-time Grammy Awards winner to secretly run the team.

Swift was in constant contact before the Super Bowl with Reid and Spagnuolo despite her being in the middle of her global “Eras Tour”.

“She’s a real professional,” a champaign-drenched Reid said following his third Super Bowl title. “Even though Taylor had a 17-hour time difference, she always made sure to work on our schedule. There’s no way we could have pulled off this victory without her.”

For those not in the know, concerns were raised that Swift wouldn’t make it in time for the big game after concluding a show in Tokyo. Not to worry. Not only does Swift have her own $54 million Dassault Falcon 7X private jet, but the Federal Aviation Administration and U.S. Customs made sure there would be nothing to delay her arrival in Vegas.

How could Swift get such special treatment? As right-wing media warned, President Joe Biden is seeking the pop star’s endorsement for the second time. Sources tell The Chester Chronicles Biden made a couple of phone calls to “take care of business.”

One thing the Fox News and the Newsmaxes of the world got wrong, the Super Bowl wasn’t fixed for the Chiefs to win so the billionaire diva would endorse Biden, it was mainly due to her football acumen.

Not only was Swift not endorsing Biden on this Super Bowl Sunday, she also wasn’t playing favorites with her boyfriend, Kelce.

In the first half, Kelce only had one reception for a single yard. Kelce was so upset that he went after Ried giving the 65-year-old a shove and a verbal berating that caught the head coach off guard.

 “I just wanted to let him know that I wanted this thing, and he [Reid] can put it on me, and I got him,” Kelce said in the lockerroom.

When a reporter reminded the seven-time All-Pro that Swift was calling the plays and not Reid, the volatile Kelce toned down his emotions.

“She knows what she’s doing,” Kelce muttered. “Besides, she had the ball thrown to me to set up the game-winning TD in OT. I love our play caller. I mean I really love our our play caller, you know what I mean?”

Swift was more direct after the game.

“Just because I’m sleeping with the guy, doesn’t mean I’m going to spoon-feed him the ball on every play,” Swift said passionately while shotgunning a Budweiser. “I’ve got my reputation to uphold.”

Probably the biggest defensive play of the game was provided by Chiefs defensive tackle Chris Jones in overtime. On third-and-4 from the Chiefs’ 9-yard line, Jones broke through the line to force 49ers quarterback Brock Purdy to throw the ball away to avoid a sack. Replays showed multiple San Francisco receivers open for a touchdown. Instead, the 49ers settled for a field goal and the rest is history.

But that game-saving play wouldn’t have happened without Swift. Exhausted from the hard-fought game, Jones was going to catch his wind on the sidelines as the 49ers were ready to score. It was Swift who yelled down to Spagnuolo to get the free agent back on the field.

“I saw how gassed Chris was,” Spagnuolo said during the postgame media session. “I was going to let him sit out that snap, but Taylor called and said in no uncertain terms to get him back on the field. It was a game-saving call by her.”

“All I said was to get Chris’ sorry ass back out there,” Swift calmly reflected while downing another Bud. “Don’t give me too much credit for that one because Ice Spice was screaming, ‘where the f**k is Jones!’ I only picked up on her cue.”

Swift’s attention to detail was made clear even before the opening kickoff. Swift showed her analytical skills by crunching the numbers on the new overtime rule that guaranteed both teams would get the ball regardless if the opening drive led to a touchdown.

49ers players admitted they weren’t aware of the rule change. When San Francisco won the overtime coin toss, they took the ball first. Something that was a no-brainer in the past, but not this year.

Reid noted after the game that if the Chiefs had won the coin toss, they would have chosen to play defense first.

“That’s what Taylor felt was the right thing to do…That was just something that we chose based on her studies. We felt that was important.

“That’s the value of Taylor. She does a great job with that [analytics],” Reid said.

As NFL commissioner Roger Goodell handed Swift the Vince Lombardi Trophy for Super Bowl XLIII, Swift held back tears.

“This is for all of my Swifties,” the multi-platinum singer yelled while thrusting the trophy high with one arm.

Later that night, Swift, Kelce and the rest of the team partied at Zouk nightclub at Resorts World.

Courtesy: Wynn Las Vegas.

The two were still going strong before our sources were escorted from the party.

Next stop on Swift’s world tour, Canton, Ohio and her induction into the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

A Leopard Can Change Its Spots

Donald Trump donates a fortune: The usually self-centered former President of the United States is giving away hundreds of millions of dollars in a role reversal similar to that of Ebenezer Scrooge.

As of this writing, Trump owes north of $500 million for losing a defamation trial against E. Jean Carroll ($83.3 million) and a verdict for business fraud in New York state ($350 million penalty plus pre-judgment interest going back to 2019 worth another $450 million). The interest alone is growing at a rate of $600,000 per week.

Trump set himself up for a big financial fall with his antics from walking out of court while Carroll’s attorney was giving closing arguments, to his courtroom shenanigans in his fraud trial that had the judge saying Trump had a “complete lack of contrition and remorse,” which he noted “borders on the pathological.”

But are these really financial setbacks foisted upon Trump by the courts, or has the now suspended New York real estate mogul changed his ways towards charities that benefit others instead of himself?

In other words, did Trump orchestrate these financial judgments against him so that he could share his wealth with the masses?

It seems more likely that Trump has had some type of religious conversion eschewing the ways of greed to help his fellow man (and woman).

Like Scrooge in Charles Dicken’s “A Christmas Carol”, Trump must have been visited by three ghosts. The Ghost of the Alternative Minimum Tax, Ghost of Junk Bonds and the Ghost of the Top One Percent.

A warning of the appearance of these apparitions was provided by the ghost of Trump’s father, Fred, who while alive was arrested twice. Once while attending a Klu Klux Klan parade and the other for having several hundred building code violations in Virginia.

“What do you want with me,” a quivering Donald asked.

“Much,” boomed Fred.

“In life I was your father,” the ghost continued.

But the former POTUS didn’t believe it.

“You may be an undigested bit of Big Mac, a blot of ketchup, a crumb of French fry; oh, I love French fries!”

“Quiet,” yelled Fred. “Pay attention or I’ll cut off your allowance.”

“Mercy,” cried Donald. “I’m listening.”

And so, the ghost of Fred Trump laid out the fun night Donald was going to have.

After the three specters visits, Donald woke up in a cold sweat. Night had given way to day and the former owner of the USFL’s New Jersey Generals was giddy because not only was he alive, but still very filthy rich.

Opening the window to his Mar-a-Lago home, Trump spied a man walking below.

“What’s today,” Trump shouted.

“Today,” replied the man. “Why it’s IPO Day!”

“It’s IPO Day!” Trump exalted. “I haven’t missed it! The spirits have done it all in one night. They can do anything they like. Of course they can.

“Hello my fine fellow, do you know the stock broker on the next street?”

“I should hope I do,” said the man who went by the name Allen Weisselberg.

“”An intelligent man,” exclaimed Trump. “Do you know if they’ve begun the Databricks IPO?”

“Why it’s starting in 30 minutes,” replied Weisselberg.

“Fantastic,” said Trump. “Go to the stock broker and tell him to buy a million shares.”

“You’re full of it, mister,” and incredulous Weisselberg shot back.

“Yeah, your right,” Trump said softly. “That does sound weird I have to admit. Better idea, go fetch the stock broker and bring him to me.

“With what? A court order,” an annoyed Weisselberg muttered.

“No, no,” said Trump. “I am in earnest. Come back with the man and I’ll give you one shilling. Come back with him in less than five minutes and I’ll give you half a crown!”

“What the hell is a shilling and half a crown,” Weisselberg shouted in disbelief. “This is America, moron. I’ll do it for ten large and nothing less.”

Trump hesitated. He hadn’t counted on Weisselberg being so good with numbers and the art of the deal.

“Alright,” Trump stammered. “You have a bargain.”

When the stock broker arrived, Trump ordered him to purchase one million shares of the Databricks IPO with half being put in the name of his longtime suffering clerk, Michael Cohen.

Trump may have caught the bug for the gift of the giving following the visitations of the ghosts, but he wasn’t going to give all of his newly gotten commodities away.

When the documents arrived at Cohen’s home, he was floored.

“Who would do such a wonderful thing,” Cohen said out loud to no one in particular.

A voice sounded in the corner of the Cohen hovel.

“I think it was Donald Trump,” Tiny Steve Bannon said.

“What would make you say such a thing,” Cohen’s wife, Laura asked.

“I just have that feeling it was him,” Tiny Steve said solemnly.

Soon after, Tiny Steve embezzled $500 thousand of Cohen’s windfall to help pay off his attorney fees over several legal matters.

And now Donald Trump is willingly giving away money right and left as a result of his glorious transformation.

As Tiny Steve would say, “God bless us every one and I think anger is a good thing.”