Computer Hacks

Crypto Cats

A study by the U.S. Government Accountability Office found that the Department of Veteran Affairs has a number of issues it needs to deal with in order to better serve our veterans. Cats are not one of them, but they should be.

Major areas of concern according to the GAO are health care, supply chains, workforce, administering disability benefits and data security.

As for the latter, the GAO stated, “The VA Office of Inspector General identified significant deficiencies in VA’s efforts to implement an agency-wide information security program that met the requirements of the Federal Information Security Modernization Act of 2014.”

Specifically, the cat’s actions deleted several server profiles.

Kurt DelBene, assistant secretary for information and technology and chief information officer at the VA was on the call and reportedly said: “This is why I have a dog.” 

Laugher ensued, but The Chester Chronicles has learned this was no laughing matter.

Several sources at the CIA, NSA and FBI tell The Chester Chronicles on background that this was a probing mission by a feline cabal looking to cause harm to the United States and enrich themselves.

What this shadowy organization’s endgame is still hasn’t been determined, but our sources tell us that they are looking at vulnerabilities in U.S. computer systems to exploit for their nefarious schemes.

These branches of the United States’ security apparatus are three of several in the Department of Homeland Security that are investigating this conspiracy.

While some cats may like laying on a warm laptop or try mimicking their humans, the more diabolical ones are working on something so big, TCC has learned our nation’s defense readiness condition is now at DEFCON 3, our highest level of alert during peacetime.

Some naive people think they can simply buy their pet a fake laptop to play with. But as our cat, Chester pointed out, that’s only a ruse.

“Sure, the cat will play with the dummy computer,” Chester began. “But as soon as the human has left the room, kitty jumps on the real device and starts probing the world-wide-web.”

“What are they looking for,” I asked.

“Some are looking for the usual things,” Chester explained. “Like dating sites OkCupidCat or Plenty of Fish. Others just want to know more about their lineage. Sites like AncestryCat.com or 9LivesandMe.com. But there are many felines who are scouring online for ways to hijack sensitive U.S. data to sell on the dark web to fund whatever desires they have.”

“They’re getting money from the dark web,” I followed up.

“Not dollars or yen but Cyrptokibbel,” Chester said in a hushed voice.

“What?”

“Yeah, Cryptokibble is the hottest thing going now with us cats,” Chester said proudly. “I just stick with CatCoin or Purrereum.”

“You’re in on this too,” I said dumbfounded.

“Instead of using your credit card to buy all the things we want, we borrow some information from Uncle Sam and sell it. With a little technical wizardry, the authorities can’t trace it back to our homes and you’re not paying 24.5% APR.

“You wouldn’t want to get busted for trading in national secrets, would you?”

“No,” I said uneasily.

“Right,” Chester said. “You can thank me later for keeping you out of jail.”

“You said you’re doing this too,” I asked meekly.

“Of course, ” Chester quickly shot back. “But I’m only getting kibble, catnip, some toys and a yearly subscription to Cat Fancy; for the articles of course.

“Some of these cats are importing high-grade kibble from South America, cat collars studded with diamonds, emeralds and rubies. I even know a top cat in Europe that has a collection of Bugatti, Rolls Royce and Ferraris. That’s just the tip of the cat consumption iceberg.

“I’ll let you in on a little secret,” Chester said slyly.

“Us cats are mining secrets from several other countries including China, Russia, France and the United Kingdom.”

“That’s a lot of kibble,” was the only thing I could think of saying.

“You want some dirt on King Charles III,” Chester purred insidiously.

“I’ll play along,” I said.

Chester looked around before whispering in my ear.

“With a Corgi, I shouted in disbelief.

“Keep it down, stupid,” Chester admonished. “I got that one straight from the MI5 files.”

“How did you get into their network?”

“Easy,” Chester said. “Their password was FishandChips, but they’ve changed it now to PASSWORD1234.”

“Isn’t that one of the easiest passwords to hack,” I asked.

“Yes, that’s the beauty of it,” Chester said. “Who would ever think MI5 would resort to such a simple countersign?

“Name anything you want and I’ll get it for you,” Chester said with a big smile on his puss.

“I’d love to take my wife, Genifer, and me on a luxury around-the-world cruise,” I countered. “But wouldn’t that draw a lot of attention my way since I can’t afford that?”

“No worries,” Chester stated. “We can manipulate some information to make it a tax write off. There’s almost 3,000 pages in the U.S. tax code books. We can work something up very easily.”

So, I told my wife what Chester said and she was up for an extravagant trip. The next day I let our pet know.

“I found a great cruise on Cunard’s Queen Mary II leaving New York in January,” I informed Chester. “Book us the Queen’s Suite for the 123-night full world voyage. Since you’re paying in cryptokibble, just know it’s $118,000, but I haven’t figured out all the add-ons yet.”

“Done,” Chester said.

When Genifer and I arrived in New York, we were informed that Chester had mistakenly booked us on an around-Manhattan voyage courtesy of the Circle Line.

This trip wasn’t going to draw any attention from the IRS. Chester did get us two premier seating tickets at $75 per which fortunately included access inside the heated cabin.

The upside was a pleasant sightseeing trip around Manhattan. Even with a couple of hot dogs and beers, we saved well over a hundred-grand and 123 nights of travel.

Actually, Chester saved on the cost. Maybe it wasn’t an accident, the cruise we wound up on.

Anyway, we’ll be asking our pet for a rain check on our dream cruise.

Bon voyage.