Just Like Mama Used to Make

Who Wants Italian?

They say you can get anything you want in New York City, but count me out on a new restaurant idea by cat food producer Fancy Feast.

The company announced that it is opening an Italian-style trattoria in the Big Apple to “bring the mealtime experience of cats to life for cat owners and cat lovers” and the food will be prepared “to mirror the sensory experience of cats at mealtime.”

After reading about the establishment to be called, Gatto Bianco by Fancy Feast, I coughed up a fur ball in revulsion.

“Food has the power to connect us to others in meaningful ways and take us to places we have never been,” said Fancy Feast’s in-house chef, Amanda Hassner. The only places I could think I would be taken to if I ate there were a hospital or the vet.

“The dishes at Gatto Bianco are prepared in ways that help cat owners understand how their cats experience food – from flavor, to texture, to form – in a way that only Fancy Feast can,” Hassner added. I took this to mean that the lucky cat owners who eat at Gatto Bianco will be served bowls of mush sans silverware. The people will then get to feel the texture of their meals by shoving their pusses deep in their bowls and lick up every morsal followed by a cat nap.

Joining Hassner in this promised cornucopia of cat-like food is none other than Michelin Star winning chef Cesare Casella. I assume the star was for human and not cat vittles, but who knows.

To answer a question you didn’t ask, Fancy Feast is pleased to announce that it will share recipes inspired by the Gatto Bianco menu “so that cat lovers across the country can have an exceptional dining experience right in their own homes.”

Wait, are you saying humans will get to eat in their domiciles the joys of 10-day-old rotted fish found in a back alley coupled with the finest vintage toilet water picked personally by Fancy Feast sommelier, Bill the Cat? Pardonnez-moi, I shouldn’t have judged so quickly.

If you’re one of those people who likes sausage but don’t want to know how it’s made, Gatto Bianco isn’t the place for you.

“The chefs will provide guests an inside look at the detail and expertise that goes into crafting each Fancy Feast recipe through a variety of delectable dishes and culinary exercises,” the company said.

Our cat Chester went nuts with excitement when he heard about Gatto Biano.

“We have to go there,” Chester said as he frantically licked himself into a frenzy. “This is the best idea since synthetic catnip!”

“Slowdown little guy,” I said. “Gatto Bianco is for cat owners, not cats.”

“What type of crap is that,” Chester asked in disbelief. “How can you have a restaurant catered to the taste of cats, but no cats can eat there?”

“I don’t make the rules Chester,” I said. “Besides, you have to be 21 or older so that rules you out anyway.”

“Not an issue,” retorted Chester. “I have a fake ID.”

“Where did you get a fake ID and why do you need one,” I asked my cagey cat.

“To the former, let’s just say I’m resourceful and to the latter, I use it for when I’m out clubbing.”

“Clubbing,” I exclaimed. “You’re locked in the basement all night.”

“Says you,” countered a snickering Chester.

“We’re still not going, with or without your creative fake ID,” I declared.

“You would deny me the food of my people,” Chester countered with big eyes in an effort to soften my up.

“Yes. And you mean my cats,” I retorted.

“Of course, cats. But I figured you’d understand my point better if I said people,” Chester explained.

“Thanks for clarifying but we’re not driving to New York so I can appreciate the food you eat,” I said scornfully.

“You’re a party pooper,” Chester said as he sat down to start licking his butt.

“That’s a pretty site, cat. How about we hold our own Gatto Bianco and I’ll serve you an extra-large bowl of kibble with a can of Fancy Feast on top. You pick the flavor,” I said offering an olive branch to Chester in an effort to end the conversation.

“You drive a hard bargain, but I agree,” said the cat who never turned down a meal.

P.S. – There will be no need for a review of the kitty cuisine establishment from The New York Times or Food & Wine Magazine as Gatto Bianco will only have a two-day run from August 11 to 12. The short opening is designed to beat an inspection by New York’s Department of Health and reduce the amount of evidence that can be collected from the International Court of Justice for possible crimes against humanity.

Bon Appetit.