Breaking and Entering and Drinking
“Alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, may produce all the effects of drunkenness.” ― Oscar Wilde
Whether a person considers themselves religious or not, there’s a decent chance that they have prayed to the “Porcelain God” at one time in their life. Apparently, it’s also a thing with raccoons.
For you teetotalers, the porcelain god is the toilet and the praying is when you vomit into it after consuming too much alcohol.
Why is this a religious thing? Because you pray to God that you’ll feel better and promise to never get in this position again. Of course, it’s a promise you don’t keep and you get to repeat the process all over again.
While fewer people are attending church, kneeling before the toilet and expelling Satan hasn’t decreased.
This is known as a self-exorcism.
Recently, one of God’s creatures, a raccoon, came forward to practice the therapeutic ritual of praying to the porcelain god, except he didn’t complete the process.
The raccoon, whom we will call Rocky, to protect his identity, was found face-planted next to a toilet inside an ABC liquor store in Ashland, VA.
Why?
Because Rocky was found three sheets to the wind after going on a bender inside the premises.
How do we know that’s what happened?
Because there is photographic and video evidence of Rocky breaking and entering the booze emporium and laying waste to several bottles.
Rocky’s excellent adventure got the attention of the police and animal control when the store’s security system was tripped by the larcenist critter’s entrance into hootch heaven.
The raccoon was observed and photographed by authorities unconscious and spread-eagled on the bathroom floor.
Poor Rocky, he was so close, yet so far from getting his head inside the bowl and completing the sacred ritual of projectile vomiting.
Give credit to this trashed panda. While you or I would pay for our booze and head home to enjoy our purchase, Rocky went next level. He had his fun right in the store and didn’t have to shell out any money.
What libations led to Rocky’s pixilation?
Drumroll please.
Rum, moonshine, vodka and peanut butter whiskey with an eggnog chaser, according to Carol Mawyer, the public relations manager for Virginia ABC, told the esteemed New York Times.
Yes, that New York Times. The news organization that broke the stories about the Pentagon Papers and the sex crimes of Harvey Weinstein.
The Times poured its journalistic resources into the drunk raccoon saga as it tried to secure another Pulitzer Prize. Unfortunately for the Times, it lost out to the Weekly World News exclusive opus, “Hillary Clinton Adopts Alien Baby.”
Rocky was placed in a carrier and taken to the animal shelter for detox. He was out cold for about an hour and a half, Chief Jeff Parker of Hanover County Animal Protection and Shelter, told the Times.
All was well with the rapscallion raccoon when it came to. After successfully completing a post-hangover sobriety test, Rocky was released back into the wild.
End of story? No.
The ABC liquor store in question is located in a strip mall.
“Supposedly this is like the third break-in he’s had,” animal protection officer Samantha Martin told the Hear in Hanover podcast.
“He was in the karate studio,” Martin said. “I think he got into DMV [and] ate some of their snacks one time.”
Raccoons get the munchies, too.
“I think people can see the human side of it,” she continued. “Everybody’s been there, everybody’s had a few extra and passed out by the toilet and hoped somebody can come and help you the next morning.”
Amen to that.
The Chester Chronicles 