When the Landlord Knocks
“Misreable day to day You are under my thumb You have nowhere to run An eviction on your record if you misbehave”
Matthew Austin Williams – Slumlord Blues
If you rent you’ve probably had issues with your landlord. That can be doubly true if you own a cat. Even your furry friend can have a hostile attitude towards the lord over your domicile.
Recently, a video of a cat named Toast, showed his displeasure with the landlord who was trying to get into his apartment.
According to Toast’s “owner”, who goes by the reddit handle u/yaylorbus, the feline was home alone when the landlord made an unannounced call.
“My landlord was working on something in my garage that day so I assumed it was them, texted them, they confirmed & apologized,” u/yaylorbus wrote in a response to the video.
But The Chester Chronicles has learned this was not the case. The landlord is Toast’s, not u/yaylorbus’.
In an exclusive interview with Toast, the territorial cat admits when he signed the lease, it said he couldn’t have humans for pets in the apartment, even if it is his purported owner.
“That no-good chain-smoking boozer of a landlord wasn’t coming in to check the pipes,” Toast told The Chester Chronicles.
“He’s done this before using his Gestapo tactics,” the flustered fur ball continued. “As soon as he pushes his way in, he looks under the bed, in the closets and anywhere else a person can hide.
“He even checks the bathroom to see if there’s human hair and the stuff humans use in such a place. I have to keep that washroom spic-and-span every day in case there’s a surprise inspection. I’m tired.
“This last time was the final straw. He tried to wedge his fat foot inside but I kept him out. Now he knows not to mess with me.”
What about all the human food in the refrigerator?
“I tell him I like to feed strays,” Toast retorted.
Toast also explained to his landlord why there are so many pictures of a particular person in his residence.
“I said to him, ‘look mug, haven’t you been in someone’s home and they have plenty of pictures of cats and dogs?’ I’m the same way with people. They fascinate me.”
Did the landlord by that story?
“Not really,” Toast said. “That’s why he keeps trying to sneak into my abode. Good thing I don’t have a job so I’m always here to cat the parapets.”
Asked why he signed such a lease; Toast had a simple answer.
“I’m a cat, stupid. I can’t read.”
Meanwhile, in Phoenix, Arizona, the opposite situation was playing out.
TikTok user @koda_thekitten, a human, aka Jeremiah Carter, showed video of how he handles the landlord’s inspection of his apartment, one where he isn’t allowed to have his cat, Koda, without paying an extra fee.
With the landlord snooping about, video shows Koda chilling in Carter’s car snacking some kibble out of a bowl on the center console. Not pictured is Koda’s kitten brother Meeko who was getting a cat nap in the back of the vehicle.
“He’s very chill and goes with the flow,” Carter told Newsweek. “I was working on my laptop remotely and he was just eating some hard food and a couple of treats while we passed the time.”
More than 60% of renters have pets according to TenantCloud and the main reason landlords don’t like them (pets) is the fear of property damage.
As we all know, people never cause damage to properties. The audacity you think humans can act like animals, or worse, is insulting.
Then again…
In 2014 police in Brampton, Ontario, a Toronto suburb, were called to a 5,000-square-foot mansion under construction when an estimated tsunami of 1,500 to 2,000 teens converged on a party promoted under the hashtag #MansionParty.
“I told my son he could have some friends over,” the mother of the host told the police.
The home was “completely trashed” according to one partygoer. You think?
Estimated damages were $70 thousand, but that’s Canadian so it couldn’t have been too bad.
Of course, any landlord in a college town would tell you people cause more damage than pets.
In 2017 the third floor of a building collapsed in Denton, Texas during a wild dance party near the University of North Texas.
Boom went the dynamite to the tune of $200,000 in damages.
Those good old pre-COVID days.
Back to Carter, his partner, and cats. They moved into their own house and don’t have to worry about pet inquisitions anymore, just crazy human parties.
We own our home and our kids are now adults so wild parties are not a concern with them. Our cat Chester is a different matter.
My wife, Genifer, and I have had to chase clowders of cats from our home upon returning home. It could be after a vacation or a short trip to the grocery store.
Chester is a master of getting the word out by social media and word of mouth.
“When the people are away, the cats will play,” Chester often tells me.
It can be upsetting to find your home filled with passed out pussy cats and empty pet food containers strewn about the place. Never mind the scent of catnip wafting in the air.
Our neighbors are tolerant but they’re reaching the point of calling the police because of the loud music Chester and his friends are playing.
“You are the definition of a party pooper,” Chester tells me.
I remind him he’s a guest in our home and isn’t paying for room or board not to mention any damage from torn furniture and curtains.
Unfortunately for us, he realizes he’s not a guest, but a member of our family.
“When are you and the missus heading out again,” Chester asked me the other day.
“Why,” I inquired.
“Just curious,” he replied.
“You’re not thinking of staging another catastrophe.” I spoke.
“Moi,” Chester said in mock surprise.
“Yes you, Chester,” I sneered. “We’ve gone over this several times. No more parties as you’ve abused your privileges.”
“Why?”
“Because you and your friends make a tremendous mess,” I said forcefully.
“That’s too bad because I’m throwing a horror masquerade ball themed bash in which everyone needs to come disguised as a dog,” Chester said with pride. Nothing scarier and yet funnier than that. All the cool cats are hosting one of these.”
“Really,” I said in astonishment.
“Really,” Chester countered. “We’ll have pretend dog food, fire hydrants in each room for you know what and fetch the stick; except we cats just sit there and stare at the wood. It wouldn’t be dignified to actually fetch it.”
“And when were you planning on this fun,” I asked.
“In ten minutes,” Chester said slyly. “I know you’re going to the movies to see Oppenheimer and that runs for three hours. Great choice. I recommend you sneak into Barbie afterwards. That’s a win-win for you and us.”
“Are you crazy,” I shouted.
“Crazy to party,” Chester yelled even louder.
I could already see a line of cats dressed as dogs lining up outside the house.
“Don’t worry big guy,” Chester said reassuringly. “I have the fire hydrant displays inside plastic bins to keep the floor dry. You also don’t have to worry about embarrassing pictures leaking out, no pun intended, because I make sure to confiscate everyone’s cell phones. What happens in this house stays in this house, except for the post-party gossip.
“That’s why my shindigs keep getting larger. I have a lot of cat street cred now. You should be proud to have me as your pet.”
“Holy *&%#!,” I exclaimed, and headed over to Genifer to let her know what Chester had planned.
“I know,” she said. “I’ve participated in a few of Chester’s galas. They’re great.”
I almost fell to the ground.
“I have an idea,” she continued. “Let’s ditch seeing the movie and stay home tonight and party!”
Now I was on the floor but guess what? We did stay home and indeed Chester throws an awesome affair.
Genifer and I did forgo using the hydrants, but I did chase the stick which was a big hit with Chester’s friends.
Woof!
The Chester Chronicles 
That’s very gracious of him, allowing you to attend.
He likes my wife.
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